June 13, 2006
Red Neck Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas ,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
The world's funniest joke was written by Spike Milligan
June 9, 2006- Detective work by a professor investigating the psychology of humour has revealed that Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke.
Five years ago, Prof Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, did an online experiment in which 300,000 people from around the world took part in LaughLab, where they voted for the best gag.
Yesterday, at the Cheltenham Science Festival, Prof Wiseman said he has now discovered that it was almost certainly written by Milligan.
The joke runs as follows: Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'
"It is very rare to be able to track down the origin of any joke but this is an exception," said Prof Wiseman. "There is some very rare footage from 1951 showing the Goons in their first TV appearance. Just by chance I saw it on a documentary and saw a version of the very same joke."
The material would have been written by Spike Milligan and the script reads:
Michael Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.
Peter Sellers: Oh, is he dead?
Bentine: I think so.
Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?
Bentine: All right. Just a minute.
Sound of two gun shots.
Bentine: He's dead.
Prof Wiseman contacted Milligan's daughter, Sile, and she is as certain as she can be that he would have written the gag. She said she was "delighted that dad wrote the world's funniest joke".
Prof Wiseman said: "I think what is interesting here is that a joke from the 1950s still works, and how it has transformed over time from a cosy sitting room to hunters in New Jersey."
He added: "Spike Milligan was clearly into surreal humour. The sort of people who like his stuff will be people with a high tolerance for ambiguity because the sketches don't really have a sense of closure."
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml
Ernest Scribbler famed comedian also has “the funniest joke”... (Monty Python skit)
Voice Over:This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die... laughing.
Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.
Voice Over:It was obvious that this joke was lethal...no one could read it and live...
Ernest's mother enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and falls down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.
Commentator:This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden... violent... comedy.Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.
Inspector:I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.
About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill.
or better yet:
A Roman Catholic priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Muslim Imam walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them for a moment, then asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?
British Petroleum (BP) boss predicts oil price fall …
Browne points out the Caspian Sea and Russia still boast large reserves The head of one of the world's biggest oil firms says oil prices could fall by nearly two-thirds within a decade from the current $70 (£38) a barrel.
Lord Browne, the chief executive of the British oil giant BP, predicted prices would remain high in the near future.
But he said that large reserves still remained undiscovered or untapped, and that new technology would bring down extraction costs.
Sustained high oil prices have sparked fears of a global downturn.
"We cannot really count on oil prices easing very much in the near future," Lord Browne said in an interview with the German weekly Der Spiegel.
But he said in the medium term - the next five years or so - prices could average about $40 or so per barrel.
In the long term, the next decade or so, "it could even be $25 to $30"...
...Lord Browne said large new oil fields are still being discovered, citing the Caspian Sea as an example. He said western Africa and Russia still had large reserves.
He added that technological developments meant the amount extracted from oil reserves could rise from the current 40% or 45%, to perhaps 50% or 60%.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/5070310.stm
Not bad for a non-profit outfit
$63M in 'Profit' Not Enough for Planned Parenthood; It Wants More from Feds(AgapePress) - One of the leading pro-life groups in America is wondering why the nation's largest abortion-provider, Planned Parenthood, continues to beg for government funds -- even though the non-profit is just coming off one of its best years ever in terms of income and "excess revenue."
Planned Parenthood Federation of America (PPFA) is reporting that in Fiscal Year 2004-2005, it generated $882 million in income, one-third of which ($272 million) comes from American taxpayers. During the same time period, PPFA showed an "excess revenue over expenses" -- known outside not-for-profit entities as "profit" -- of $63 million, the second highest ever for the abortion-provider in one year. Yet Planned Parenthood continues to clamor for more federal funds. Jim Sedlak of American Life League (ALL) calls that "absolutely incredible."
...And it goes beyond abortions, according to Sedlak. He explains Planned Parenthood also uses tax dollars to downplay abstinence among America's youth...."They have [conducted] specific attacks on our young people, and they are increasing those attacks as they put more and more money into their brand of sex education and vehemently fight against abstinence sex education."
Why? As Sedlak points out, Planned Parenthood only benefits financially from youth who are sexually active...
http://headlines.agapepress.org/archive/6/92006b.asp
I’m glad he lived long enough to understand what happened…
Military: Zarqawi lived for nearly an hour after airstrike 6/12/2006 BAGHDAD (AP) — Abu Musab al-Zarqawi lived for 52 minutes after a U.S. warplane bombed his hideout northeast of Baghdad, and he died of extensive internal injuries consistent with those caused by a bomb blast, the U.S. military said Monday.
Col. Steve Jones, command surgeon for Multinational Forces, said an autopsy concluded that al-Zarqawi died from serious injuries to his lungs. An FBI test positively identified al-Zarqawi's remains.
Maj. Gen. William Caldwell, a spokesman for the U.S. military in Baghdad, said U.S. forces arrived about 28 minutes after a fighter jet bombed al-Zarqawi's hideout outside Baqouba on Wednesday. Medics secured al-Zarqawi's airway but his breathing was shallow and labored, and he expelled blood from his mouth.
...Al-Zarqawi died 24 minutes after coalition forces arrived, he said.
Jones said the autopsy conducted Saturday showed that al-Zarqawi died from injuries to his lungs.
"Blast waves from the two bombs caused tearing, bruising of the lungs and bleeding," he said. "There was no evidence of firearm injuries."
The al-Qaeda in Iraq leader also suffered head and facial wounds, bleeding in his ears and a fracture of his lower right leg.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/iraq/2006-06-12-zarqawi-autopsy_x.htm
Military Press Release: COALITION FORCES KILL SEVEN TERRORISTS, WOUND THREE, DETAIN TWO
12 June 2006
http://www.centcom.mil/sites/uscentcom1/Lists/Press%20Releases/DispForm.aspx?ID=3197&Source=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Ecentcom%2Emil%2Fsites%2Fuscentcom1%2FLists%2FPress%2520Releases%2FCurrent%2520Releases%2Easpx
It just keeps getting better. However I object to the fact that they feel like they have to have the following disclaimer at the end:
“Coalition Forces take every precaution to mitigate risks to civilians while in the pursuit of terrorists and deeply regret any injury or death.”
What ever happened to "War is Hell"?
Looks like they're having to dig deeper to find a replacement...
IRAQ: Al-Zarqawi heir also killed, Jordanian services say
06/12/2006 Amman, 12 June (AKI) - Islamic militant, Abu Ayyub al-Masri, who is indicated by the US command in Iraq as potential successor to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi as leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq, also died in the raid that killed the Jordanian militant, according to intelligence sources in Amman...
http://www.adnki.com/index_2Level_English.php?cat=Terrorism&loid=8.0.309451213&par=0
David<><
http://freewill-predestination.com
http://www.knology.net/~lonesomedove
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas ,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
The world's funniest joke was written by Spike Milligan
June 9, 2006- Detective work by a professor investigating the psychology of humour has revealed that Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke.
Five years ago, Prof Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, did an online experiment in which 300,000 people from around the world took part in LaughLab, where they voted for the best gag.
Yesterday, at the Cheltenham Science Festival, Prof Wiseman said he has now discovered that it was almost certainly written by Milligan.
The joke runs as follows: Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'
"It is very rare to be able to track down the origin of any joke but this is an exception," said Prof Wiseman. "There is some very rare footage from 1951 showing the Goons in their first TV appearance. Just by chance I saw it on a documentary and saw a version of the very same joke."
The material would have been written by Spike Milligan and the script reads:
Michael Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.
Peter Sellers: Oh, is he dead?
Bentine: I think so.
Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?
Bentine: All right. Just a minute.
Sound of two gun shots.
Bentine: He's dead.
Prof Wiseman contacted Milligan's daughter, Sile, and she is as certain as she can be that he would have written the gag. She said she was "delighted that dad wrote the world's funniest joke".
Prof Wiseman said: "I think what is interesting here is that a joke from the 1950s still works, and how it has transformed over time from a cosy sitting room to hunters in New Jersey."
He added: "Spike Milligan was clearly into surreal humour. The sort of people who like his stuff will be people with a high tolerance for ambiguity because the sketches don't really have a sense of closure."
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml
Ernest Scribbler famed comedian also has “the funniest joke”... (Monty Python skit)
Voice Over:This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die... laughing.
Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.
Voice Over:It was obvious that this joke was lethal...no one could read it and live...
Ernest's mother enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and falls down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.
Commentator:This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden... violent... comedy.Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.
Inspector:I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.
About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill.
or better yet:
A Roman Catholic priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Muslim Imam walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them for a moment, then asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?
British Petroleum (BP) boss predicts oil price fall …
Browne points out the Caspian Sea and Russia still boast large reserves The head of one of the world's biggest oil firms says oil prices could fall by nearly two-thirds within a decade from the current $70 (£38) a barrel.
Lord Browne, the chief executive of the British oil giant BP, predicted prices would remain high in the near future.
But he said that large reserves still remained undiscovered or untapped, and that new technology would bring down extraction costs.
Sustained high oil prices have sparked fears of a global downturn.
"We cannot really count on oil prices easing very much in the near future," Lord Browne said in an interview with the German weekly Der Spiegel.
But he said in the medium term - the next five years or so - prices could average about $40 or so per barrel.
In the long term, the next decade or so, "it could even be $25 to $30"...
...Lord Browne said large new oil fields are still being discovered, citing the Caspian Sea as an example. He said western Africa and Russia still had large reserves.
He added that technological developments meant the amount extracted from oil reserves could rise from the current 40% or 45%, to perhaps 50% or 60%.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/5070310.stm
Not bad for a non-profit outfit
$63M in 'Profit' Not Enough for Planned Parenthood; It Wants More from Feds(AgapePress) - One of the leading pro-life groups in America is wondering why the nation's largest abortion-provider, Planned Parenthood, continues to beg for government funds -- even though the non-profit is just coming off one of its best years ever in terms of income and "excess revenue."
Planned Parenthood Federation of America (PPFA) is reporting that in Fiscal Year 2004-2005, it generated $882 million in income, one-third of which ($272 million) comes from American taxpayers. During the same time period, PPFA showed an "excess revenue over expenses" -- known outside not-for-profit entities as "profit" -- of $63 million, the second highest ever for the abortion-provider in one year. Yet Planned Parenthood continues to clamor for more federal funds. Jim Sedlak of American Life League (ALL) calls that "absolutely incredible."
...And it goes beyond abortions, according to Sedlak. He explains Planned Parenthood also uses tax dollars to downplay abstinence among America's youth...."They have [conducted] specific attacks on our young people, and they are increasing those attacks as they put more and more money into their brand of sex education and vehemently fight against abstinence sex education."
Why? As Sedlak points out, Planned Parenthood only benefits financially from youth who are sexually active...
http://headlines.agapepress.org/archive/6/92006b.asp
I’m glad he lived long enough to understand what happened…
Military: Zarqawi lived for nearly an hour after airstrike 6/12/2006 BAGHDAD (AP) — Abu Musab al-Zarqawi lived for 52 minutes after a U.S. warplane bombed his hideout northeast of Baghdad, and he died of extensive internal injuries consistent with those caused by a bomb blast, the U.S. military said Monday.
Col. Steve Jones, command surgeon for Multinational Forces, said an autopsy concluded that al-Zarqawi died from serious injuries to his lungs. An FBI test positively identified al-Zarqawi's remains.
Maj. Gen. William Caldwell, a spokesman for the U.S. military in Baghdad, said U.S. forces arrived about 28 minutes after a fighter jet bombed al-Zarqawi's hideout outside Baqouba on Wednesday. Medics secured al-Zarqawi's airway but his breathing was shallow and labored, and he expelled blood from his mouth.
...Al-Zarqawi died 24 minutes after coalition forces arrived, he said.
Jones said the autopsy conducted Saturday showed that al-Zarqawi died from injuries to his lungs.
"Blast waves from the two bombs caused tearing, bruising of the lungs and bleeding," he said. "There was no evidence of firearm injuries."
The al-Qaeda in Iraq leader also suffered head and facial wounds, bleeding in his ears and a fracture of his lower right leg.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/iraq/2006-06-12-zarqawi-autopsy_x.htm
Military Press Release: COALITION FORCES KILL SEVEN TERRORISTS, WOUND THREE, DETAIN TWO
12 June 2006
http://www.centcom.mil/sites/uscentcom1/Lists/Press%20Releases/DispForm.aspx?ID=3197&Source=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Ecentcom%2Emil%2Fsites%2Fuscentcom1%2FLists%2FPress%2520Releases%2FCurrent%2520Releases%2Easpx
It just keeps getting better. However I object to the fact that they feel like they have to have the following disclaimer at the end:
“Coalition Forces take every precaution to mitigate risks to civilians while in the pursuit of terrorists and deeply regret any injury or death.”
What ever happened to "War is Hell"?
Looks like they're having to dig deeper to find a replacement...
IRAQ: Al-Zarqawi heir also killed, Jordanian services say
06/12/2006 Amman, 12 June (AKI) - Islamic militant, Abu Ayyub al-Masri, who is indicated by the US command in Iraq as potential successor to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi as leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq, also died in the raid that killed the Jordanian militant, according to intelligence sources in Amman...
http://www.adnki.com/index_2Level_English.php?cat=Terrorism&loid=8.0.309451213&par=0
David<><
http://freewill-predestination.com
http://www.knology.net/~lonesomedove
posted by David Bennett | 2:35 AM
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